The Road To Insanity

I know when something is wrong with me. Well, it’s pretty often but at least I know when there’s genuinely wrong or it’s just my normal self.

But today is genuinely strange. First, I have an intense craving to listen to depressing Christmas songs which I satisfied by playing seven disheartening Christmas tunes for four hours. Not only that. As if I wanted to torture myself with more misery by alternatively listening to Susan Boyle’s I Dreamed a Dream for another five hours. Not the album, but the one song repeatedly...over and over and over for three hundred minutes. And like a madman, I feel a different sensation when the song comes to this part, “...but there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dream.” Alarming.

I shouldn’t be wasting my time staring at oblivion. I have more pressing matters that need immediate attention instead of brooding into something that will get me nowhere. But instead, I preferred to micro-analyze why I’m treading the path to insanity. And here’s what I found out. I am not in control of anything! The manipulating, scheming, control-freak me don’t have any power over everything that is important. That’s why my egotistic, egocentric, selfish me cannot cope with the idea and it is voluntarily shutting down. Man, I cannot even control myself!

I have been bumping at so many dead ends vis-à-vis a way out of my “more pressing” matters that I know my resilience is depleting. The more I tried to gain authority over the quandary, the more I am convinced I can only do so much at the moment and I am at the mercy of time and fate. But the predicament is sullenly compounding. My brilliant idea of addressing the circumstances engendered another setback. It was not so brilliant after all. Now, I was asked to turn a blind eye to anything I am about to see and will witness in the days to come as a consequence. I see no evil, I hear no evil. I was obliged to make a pact that I will not be emotionally affected and under no circumstances will I show any sign of emotional impact, distress or upset in the event I was made aware of alleged philandering. Preposterous! And what’s more absurd? I agreed! How stupid can I be?

There’s no such thing as “no choice”. Of course I do. But it was the lesser evil and the most convenient option at that time when I thought of that solution. But like signing a contract without reading the terms and conditions, it was too late to dispute the stipulations. I can’t dislodge the thought that my dire need for help was taken advantaged. I really hope not because just thinking about it was infuriating and exasperating enough.

It is an established fact that I am very territorial and selfish to some extent. There are clear boundaries that I strictly prohibit others to even think of crossing. There are certain possessions that I, by no means, share with anyone. I never felt threatened because I am always in control and confident that my territory is secured. If I started to feel otherwise, no qualms, I give up my turf rather than share. Because at the back of my mind, I don’t have to fight for it. I am confident that sooner or later, they will come back. And they do. Accepting them is another story.

But this one is different. I have a horrible feeling that I’m betting on the wrong horse. I am almost always outmanoeuvred and managed to get the better of me. I can’t believe I can’t put my foot down. Or maybe, I don’t want to put my foot down because I am uncertain of the repercussions and I am afraid I may be pushed to make a decision to save my pride just in case I was wrong. So, to keep the status quo, I embraced the horror of trusting blindly, no logic and beyond reasons.

It’s an emotional suicide.

I’ve been contemplating if it’s worth it. I’m honestly scared because I haven’t been in a similar situation or have known anyone so stupid to even agree to participate in a harebrained arrangement such as this. And because I am not familiar with this kind of covenant, I have no idea how I will react or if I can restrain my rage which can easily turn into a full-blown wrath. Funny but I managed to put myself into another mishap again. I wonder if I am subconsciously seeking for adventure to pump up my already screwed up life that I always end up entwined with disaster.

Glimpse of hope? According to Sir Winston Churchill, “if you’re going through hell, keep going.”