I have a horrible headache killing me at the moment. While the rest of the world is celebrating Friday night, I gawk at the ceiling in the privacy of my room as if I’m gazing at the afterlife. Motionless...speechless...frozen.
I don’t know if it’s from all the chaotic paradoxes hammering all at the same time inside my brains or the many truths that were thrown in my face which I deliberately or unknowingly deflect for a very long time. It took me a while to finally see what has been there all along. Or more appropriately, it took me a while to finally make sense of what my friend has been trying to explain boldly, unceasingly and unselfishly over and over and over. Though the approach was unorthodox and rather harsh, it made its way to the nub of my wits.
I have always believed that I’m a people person. I do everything in my power to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. It takes all my energy not to offend whether by words or action. It’s a conscious effort. I always thought that I may not be able to please everyone but if I can make as many people as I can to genuinely smile and feel at ease in my presence, I have done a good job. If I can make a difference in someone else’s life, I feel gratified. But dealing with friends and loved ones is another level. I can’t afford to miff them. I can’t even bear the thought. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s the feeling that I made them upset. Even if it means denying myself of the truth and succumbed to delusion or sacrifice my own happiness to keep the status quo. Avoid conflict as much as possible. Create joy however temporary. And stay miserable.
But, to what extent?
A whirlpool of thoughts now overwhelmed my already troubled mind. Now, I’m starting to doubt my already self-proclaimed accepted wisdom of being a natural people person. Am I really? Or just a pathetic people pleaser? Not quite. The more I gave it a thought, the clearer it became. I became a butterfly effect to my own self-centred world that what I thought was trivial and miniscule engendered a complex course of events that was too complicated now to untangle. The cause had been identified but the paradigm of getting to the bottom of it was a swirling vortex of dilemma.
For some people, the choice was obvious and very easy. But for some, it was like taking a quantum leap to the past to redo the future. It’s not that simple. The emotional parameters were not well defined that eliciting the desired upshot may or may not be achieved. My anxiety rested on devastating the very people I love. That’s the last thing I want to do.
I finally figured out what my heart truly desires and what my head is screaming for. Unfortunately, not all desires are meant to be fulfilled. Or not yet. I’m just hoping against hope that one day, however twisted is my today, I can still form my own kaleidoscope and create my own fairy tale.
I don’t know if it’s from all the chaotic paradoxes hammering all at the same time inside my brains or the many truths that were thrown in my face which I deliberately or unknowingly deflect for a very long time. It took me a while to finally see what has been there all along. Or more appropriately, it took me a while to finally make sense of what my friend has been trying to explain boldly, unceasingly and unselfishly over and over and over. Though the approach was unorthodox and rather harsh, it made its way to the nub of my wits.
I have always believed that I’m a people person. I do everything in my power to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. It takes all my energy not to offend whether by words or action. It’s a conscious effort. I always thought that I may not be able to please everyone but if I can make as many people as I can to genuinely smile and feel at ease in my presence, I have done a good job. If I can make a difference in someone else’s life, I feel gratified. But dealing with friends and loved ones is another level. I can’t afford to miff them. I can’t even bear the thought. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s the feeling that I made them upset. Even if it means denying myself of the truth and succumbed to delusion or sacrifice my own happiness to keep the status quo. Avoid conflict as much as possible. Create joy however temporary. And stay miserable.
But, to what extent?
A whirlpool of thoughts now overwhelmed my already troubled mind. Now, I’m starting to doubt my already self-proclaimed accepted wisdom of being a natural people person. Am I really? Or just a pathetic people pleaser? Not quite. The more I gave it a thought, the clearer it became. I became a butterfly effect to my own self-centred world that what I thought was trivial and miniscule engendered a complex course of events that was too complicated now to untangle. The cause had been identified but the paradigm of getting to the bottom of it was a swirling vortex of dilemma.
For some people, the choice was obvious and very easy. But for some, it was like taking a quantum leap to the past to redo the future. It’s not that simple. The emotional parameters were not well defined that eliciting the desired upshot may or may not be achieved. My anxiety rested on devastating the very people I love. That’s the last thing I want to do.
I finally figured out what my heart truly desires and what my head is screaming for. Unfortunately, not all desires are meant to be fulfilled. Or not yet. I’m just hoping against hope that one day, however twisted is my today, I can still form my own kaleidoscope and create my own fairy tale.
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