"An artist is nothing without the gift....but the gift is nothing without work - Emile Zola"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Payback Time

How far can you go for the one you love? It has always been a wonder to me the extent of one can do in the name of love. Even thinking about it gave me the creeps for, in all honesty, I was not really a believer but rather on the cavalier side of this thing called love. For me, it was fun until it lasts. It never occurred to me that there should be giving. The only giving I’ve ever done was to give them away when I got tired or bored of them. Probably that was the reason why I was not familiar with this thing called jealousy. I never came to a point where I am attached to a person enough to make me feel scared or threatened. I was so confident and full of myself that it really didn’t bother me if I hurt someone else’s feeling or made somebody miserable. My only concern was what I was taking. I got what I wanted and used it for as long as it suited me. End of story. But time really does wonder. As years went by, the eccentricity of my youth, deliberately or otherwise, was replaced by some sort of magic powers or some form of acumen that even my good judgment cannot grasp. Some called it insanity. I was expecting some higher knowledge or maturity or even greater wisdom that usually come with age to help me cope with the never-ending spinning world of uncertainties. Uncertainties. I never gamble in my life. I don’t play with odds. I cannot express how I despise losing. I never compete unless I am sure I will win. Regardless. Even in the game of love. However, the table can take a nasty turn. Did it even cross my mind that I will drop everything in my hands just to hear him call my name? Did it occur even in my wildest imagination that I will stop the world from revolving just to be with him? Have I prepared myself to embrace the dagger of pain in the knowledge that I am not and never will be the first priority and will remain as the alternate? Was I ready for continuous rejection when I keep offering my now unconditional love and pride-less self in an attempt to bring us back to how we used to be? And ultimately, did I even think I was capable of trading my soul to the dark side just to spend a little time with him, to have him even for just a moment? No. But that’s what I did. My mind was over-ruled by my heart that I was a prisoner of my own emotions. However my mind dictates to do the right thing, my body responded to the adversary. I gambled with my heart and had been losing for a long time without me knowing it. The more I tried to gain what I used to hold in my hand, the more I lose. I can’t let go. And the pain grew at a tremendous rate every day. It felt like it was ripping me apart every time I see him and couldn’t see the love that we used to share. How many times have I tried leaving but only to find my steps going back to him? How far can I go for the one I love? As far as life can take me...even if I am the only one loving...as long as I am breathing, I cannot and will not stop loving him. This is my curse.

1 comment:

  1. i hope...it's just sooo sad letting go of something in your hand only to realize how importatnt it is...

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