Oblivion

I am here but you can’t see
What my heart is pleading thee
My hope..my bliss... my love had flee
To err is human but not to me.

I can feel my chest exploding
The pain...the hurt... and it’s not ceasing
It left me numb and almost lifeless
A merciful death is an act of kindness.


The darkest nights has been my ally
The sound of weeping became my melody
My heart was crashed before my eyes
The moment you left without saying goodbye.

Payback Time

How far can you go for the one you love? It has always been a wonder to me the extent of one can do in the name of love. Even thinking about it gave me the creeps for, in all honesty, I was not really a believer but rather on the cavalier side of this thing called love. For me, it was fun until it lasts. It never occurred to me that there should be giving. The only giving I’ve ever done was to give them away when I got tired or bored of them. Probably that was the reason why I was not familiar with this thing called jealousy. I never came to a point where I am attached to a person enough to make me feel scared or threatened. I was so confident and full of myself that it really didn’t bother me if I hurt someone else’s feeling or made somebody miserable. My only concern was what I was taking. I got what I wanted and used it for as long as it suited me. End of story. But time really does wonder. As years went by, the eccentricity of my youth, deliberately or otherwise, was replaced by some sort of magic powers or some form of acumen that even my good judgment cannot grasp. Some called it insanity. I was expecting some higher knowledge or maturity or even greater wisdom that usually come with age to help me cope with the never-ending spinning world of uncertainties. Uncertainties. I never gamble in my life. I don’t play with odds. I cannot express how I despise losing. I never compete unless I am sure I will win. Regardless. Even in the game of love. However, the table can take a nasty turn. Did it even cross my mind that I will drop everything in my hands just to hear him call my name? Did it occur even in my wildest imagination that I will stop the world from revolving just to be with him? Have I prepared myself to embrace the dagger of pain in the knowledge that I am not and never will be the first priority and will remain as the alternate? Was I ready for continuous rejection when I keep offering my now unconditional love and pride-less self in an attempt to bring us back to how we used to be? And ultimately, did I even think I was capable of trading my soul to the dark side just to spend a little time with him, to have him even for just a moment? No. But that’s what I did. My mind was over-ruled by my heart that I was a prisoner of my own emotions. However my mind dictates to do the right thing, my body responded to the adversary. I gambled with my heart and had been losing for a long time without me knowing it. The more I tried to gain what I used to hold in my hand, the more I lose. I can’t let go. And the pain grew at a tremendous rate every day. It felt like it was ripping me apart every time I see him and couldn’t see the love that we used to share. How many times have I tried leaving but only to find my steps going back to him? How far can I go for the one I love? As far as life can take me...even if I am the only one loving...as long as I am breathing, I cannot and will not stop loving him. This is my curse.

The Art of Letting Go

It’s another break of day
And I can’t put my head to lay
Sleep has long abandoned me
And sorrow is my only company.

All I can think of is letting go
But my heart says no, that, I can’t do
I can’t bear to lose a friend
But I cannot control the end.

I’m trying so hard to push you away
But in my silence, I whispered, “Please stay.”
Tears rolled down each night and day
Please read through me, that’s all I pray.

I’m not supposed to feel this way
And just ignored what others say
Cause when I looked into your eyes
I know I’m taken to paradise.

I have seen you believe in me
You set my soul and spirit free
You woke me up and made me see
That I can be what I want to be.


But reality came and took its place
Dreaming ends, I’m lost in space
I told myself that I’ll be fine
That’s pure madness, you can’t be mine.

It breaks my heart to say goodbye
And see those eyes are about to cry.
But no matter how I hold the past
I know some good things just never last.

The Road To Insanity

I know when something is wrong with me. Well, it’s pretty often but at least I know when there’s genuinely wrong or it’s just my normal self.

But today is genuinely strange. First, I have an intense craving to listen to depressing Christmas songs which I satisfied by playing seven disheartening Christmas tunes for four hours. Not only that. As if I wanted to torture myself with more misery by alternatively listening to Susan Boyle’s I Dreamed a Dream for another five hours. Not the album, but the one song repeatedly...over and over and over for three hundred minutes. And like a madman, I feel a different sensation when the song comes to this part, “...but there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dream.” Alarming.

I shouldn’t be wasting my time staring at oblivion. I have more pressing matters that need immediate attention instead of brooding into something that will get me nowhere. But instead, I preferred to micro-analyze why I’m treading the path to insanity. And here’s what I found out. I am not in control of anything! The manipulating, scheming, control-freak me don’t have any power over everything that is important. That’s why my egotistic, egocentric, selfish me cannot cope with the idea and it is voluntarily shutting down. Man, I cannot even control myself!

I have been bumping at so many dead ends vis-à-vis a way out of my “more pressing” matters that I know my resilience is depleting. The more I tried to gain authority over the quandary, the more I am convinced I can only do so much at the moment and I am at the mercy of time and fate. But the predicament is sullenly compounding. My brilliant idea of addressing the circumstances engendered another setback. It was not so brilliant after all. Now, I was asked to turn a blind eye to anything I am about to see and will witness in the days to come as a consequence. I see no evil, I hear no evil. I was obliged to make a pact that I will not be emotionally affected and under no circumstances will I show any sign of emotional impact, distress or upset in the event I was made aware of alleged philandering. Preposterous! And what’s more absurd? I agreed! How stupid can I be?

There’s no such thing as “no choice”. Of course I do. But it was the lesser evil and the most convenient option at that time when I thought of that solution. But like signing a contract without reading the terms and conditions, it was too late to dispute the stipulations. I can’t dislodge the thought that my dire need for help was taken advantaged. I really hope not because just thinking about it was infuriating and exasperating enough.

It is an established fact that I am very territorial and selfish to some extent. There are clear boundaries that I strictly prohibit others to even think of crossing. There are certain possessions that I, by no means, share with anyone. I never felt threatened because I am always in control and confident that my territory is secured. If I started to feel otherwise, no qualms, I give up my turf rather than share. Because at the back of my mind, I don’t have to fight for it. I am confident that sooner or later, they will come back. And they do. Accepting them is another story.

But this one is different. I have a horrible feeling that I’m betting on the wrong horse. I am almost always outmanoeuvred and managed to get the better of me. I can’t believe I can’t put my foot down. Or maybe, I don’t want to put my foot down because I am uncertain of the repercussions and I am afraid I may be pushed to make a decision to save my pride just in case I was wrong. So, to keep the status quo, I embraced the horror of trusting blindly, no logic and beyond reasons.

It’s an emotional suicide.

I’ve been contemplating if it’s worth it. I’m honestly scared because I haven’t been in a similar situation or have known anyone so stupid to even agree to participate in a harebrained arrangement such as this. And because I am not familiar with this kind of covenant, I have no idea how I will react or if I can restrain my rage which can easily turn into a full-blown wrath. Funny but I managed to put myself into another mishap again. I wonder if I am subconsciously seeking for adventure to pump up my already screwed up life that I always end up entwined with disaster.

Glimpse of hope? According to Sir Winston Churchill, “if you’re going through hell, keep going.”

My Clueless Angels ( For Derek, Bear and Tihina )

I’m on fire.

I’m still as twisted and awry as yesterday but the turn of events today somewhat elated me in a way that unlocked my sight to see the glimmering beacon in my very long and winding tunnel. There must be really someone watching over me, though I’m quite sure I don’t deserve that. He must have really loved me because I didn’t ask for help but still, it came. Or rather, they came.

I once read that angels are true and they are always with us. They usually don’t have wings and we call them friends. My angels are quite unique and bizarre, so to speak. They came from different parts of the world and speak diverse languages. In the midst of the pain and self-indulgence I allowed myself to sulk into the past few days, I overlooked and failed to notice the warmth and care hidden in every word they said however eccentric and peculiar, in every pat in the back, in every hug, in every smile, in every second they procrastinated watching me cry my eyes out until I looked like a crumpled newspaper, in every fuel they wasted just to come to support and listen to my senseless litany of misfortunes that goes around in circles.

And today, while writing this, I can’t help but utter a sincere gratitude to my father in heaven for not only sending me friends but providing me with class ‘A’ angels. They reminded me that I am never alone...that I need help sometimes...and this help was given unconditionally and out of love.

I’m on fire. I’m blazing with the radiance that’s emanating from within. I found luminosity that will carry me through my long and meandering tunnel. I am the beacon. Although I haven’t catch a glimpse of the end of it yet, I know the oil that keeps me burning will never run out because my father made sure I have angels to see me through.

The sun may shine at night or hell may freeze over but my angels are here to stay because God will never abandon me.

Nightmare

Hate is the one word I seldom use, if never at all. I am not just scared of this word’s intensity and strength, I’m petrified. It’s like a curse that can bring about holocaust or catastrophe. It’s similitude to poison is immense that once you even entertain the thought, it will consume your essence little by little until you are overpowered by its supremacy and might and its venom starts to rule.

Muddled up vehemence is gradually taking control over my once inhibited wits that an odd feeling of profound resentment seemed bunged in my arteries and like a whimsical explosive, I am volatile and dangerous. I tried to tell myself that it was just a butterfly in a wheel and made myself believe that it was nothing major. Until my idiosyncrasies amplify my premeditated blind spots and chose to ignore the palpable truth that I’m constructively dismissing the only person who has been with me through thick and thin for more than a decade. I can’t believe I can single-handedly extricate a sacred vow without saying a word or lifting a finger. I practically did nothing yet I am looking straight at a relationship lethargically going down the drain. What happened to those couple fifteen years ago who defied all odds to craft their own destiny? Did they succumbed to their contemporary world that advertised liberty, freedom and independence to speak their minds and do what they want to do, forgetting the core values that they carried and believed in for so many years? Why is it so easy to go with the flow, magnify the flaws as well as the imperfections and disregard the sanctity of the bond? Trust lost its meaning, love is quickly fading and lies started their own coup d’état. I chose to be a silent bystander despite the fact that I am aware of its butterfly effect. What a moron!

I can feel the venom running through my veins. The toxin is spreading in my system and malevolence will reap its fruit sooner or later unless I actually willfully do something about it. Otherwise, the poison integrated in my soul will guzzle and devour whatever is left of me.

Hate is the one word I never used. Until today. Because truly, I hate the selfish, self-centred, egotistical, self-seeking me.

Mirage

I have a horrible headache killing me at the moment. While the rest of the world is celebrating Friday night, I gawk at the ceiling in the privacy of my room as if I’m gazing at the afterlife. Motionless...speechless...frozen.

I don’t know if it’s from all the chaotic paradoxes hammering all at the same time inside my brains or the many truths that were thrown in my face which I deliberately or unknowingly deflect for a very long time. It took me a while to finally see what has been there all along. Or more appropriately, it took me a while to finally make sense of what my friend has been trying to explain boldly, unceasingly and unselfishly over and over and over. Though the approach was unorthodox and rather harsh, it made its way to the nub of my wits.

I have always believed that I’m a people person. I do everything in my power to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. It takes all my energy not to offend whether by words or action. It’s a conscious effort. I always thought that I may not be able to please everyone but if I can make as many people as I can to genuinely smile and feel at ease in my presence, I have done a good job. If I can make a difference in someone else’s life, I feel gratified. But dealing with friends and loved ones is another level. I can’t afford to miff them. I can’t even bear the thought. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s the feeling that I made them upset. Even if it means denying myself of the truth and succumbed to delusion or sacrifice my own happiness to keep the status quo. Avoid conflict as much as possible. Create joy however temporary. And stay miserable.

But, to what extent?

A whirlpool of thoughts now overwhelmed my already troubled mind. Now, I’m starting to doubt my already self-proclaimed accepted wisdom of being a natural people person. Am I really? Or just a pathetic people pleaser? Not quite. The more I gave it a thought, the clearer it became. I became a butterfly effect to my own self-centred world that what I thought was trivial and miniscule engendered a complex course of events that was too complicated now to untangle. The cause had been identified but the paradigm of getting to the bottom of it was a swirling vortex of dilemma.

For some people, the choice was obvious and very easy. But for some, it was like taking a quantum leap to the past to redo the future. It’s not that simple. The emotional parameters were not well defined that eliciting the desired upshot may or may not be achieved. My anxiety rested on devastating the very people I love. That’s the last thing I want to do.

I finally figured out what my heart truly desires and what my head is screaming for. Unfortunately, not all desires are meant to be fulfilled. Or not yet. I’m just hoping against hope that one day, however twisted is my today, I can still form my own kaleidoscope and create my own fairy tale.