The Long Wait

Faces after faces. The airport is a portal overflowing with all kinds of emotions. Happy reunion...sad departing...exciting new life ahead...confused about tomorrow. Sitting in a corner watching these faces passed me by made me wonder, what emotion am I giving out to these people? If someone is watching me now, what do they see? Will they find out what's deep within?

I flew from the other side of the world to bury a ghost from the past, to reconcile with what seems to be forgotten but surprisingly, I rediscovered myself instead. And like a bird, I had freedom to soar and spread my wings...however temporary.

The last few days amazed me. I laughed as if I've never laughed before...so hard it hurt and it felt good. My spirit was dancing at the sound of the rain in the middle of the forest surrounded by beasts and predators. I felt safe. And most importantly, I had friends who actually listened to what I was saying and not just hearing. I can be as imperfect as I am and they don't care. I laughed at the silliest jokes and cried for the crapiest reasons without thinking of being measured. I felt whole again. I felt alive and not just living. I found myself and actually liked it.

Then it strikes me. I can't lie to rest the phantom that I thought was haunting me. That same ghost is the only one left to remind me of me. Burying the specter is burying me. Denying his existence is forgetting who I am. I can't do that. He's too precious to me now more than ever. I can't afford to lose an endangered friend.

Looking back at the last ten days of my life, I found warmth in an unfamiliar place. From a distance, I liked what I saw. A familiar face has moved on and I'm convinced he's happy. On the other hand, I was able to express...bring out in the open what I desired to say for a very long time. Though a part of me was screaming not to. I need to before I lose the will and the strength to do so....again. Saying I love you is the hardest thing to do, especially if there's nothing beyond that. But I did. And I do. And that's about it.

As the plane pushed back, I know I'm not just leaving the place but the hurts of the past as well. I know I lost the fight but gained a friend. I know that I always have someone watching my back. I know that sometimes, saying nothing is saying everything. I know that whatever happens, regardless of time and distance, some things never change. I don't have to think. I know.