Mirage

I have a horrible headache killing me at the moment. While the rest of the world is celebrating Friday night, I gawk at the ceiling in the privacy of my room as if I’m gazing at the afterlife. Motionless...speechless...frozen.

I don’t know if it’s from all the chaotic paradoxes hammering all at the same time inside my brains or the many truths that were thrown in my face which I deliberately or unknowingly deflect for a very long time. It took me a while to finally see what has been there all along. Or more appropriately, it took me a while to finally make sense of what my friend has been trying to explain boldly, unceasingly and unselfishly over and over and over. Though the approach was unorthodox and rather harsh, it made its way to the nub of my wits.

I have always believed that I’m a people person. I do everything in my power to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. It takes all my energy not to offend whether by words or action. It’s a conscious effort. I always thought that I may not be able to please everyone but if I can make as many people as I can to genuinely smile and feel at ease in my presence, I have done a good job. If I can make a difference in someone else’s life, I feel gratified. But dealing with friends and loved ones is another level. I can’t afford to miff them. I can’t even bear the thought. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s the feeling that I made them upset. Even if it means denying myself of the truth and succumbed to delusion or sacrifice my own happiness to keep the status quo. Avoid conflict as much as possible. Create joy however temporary. And stay miserable.

But, to what extent?

A whirlpool of thoughts now overwhelmed my already troubled mind. Now, I’m starting to doubt my already self-proclaimed accepted wisdom of being a natural people person. Am I really? Or just a pathetic people pleaser? Not quite. The more I gave it a thought, the clearer it became. I became a butterfly effect to my own self-centred world that what I thought was trivial and miniscule engendered a complex course of events that was too complicated now to untangle. The cause had been identified but the paradigm of getting to the bottom of it was a swirling vortex of dilemma.

For some people, the choice was obvious and very easy. But for some, it was like taking a quantum leap to the past to redo the future. It’s not that simple. The emotional parameters were not well defined that eliciting the desired upshot may or may not be achieved. My anxiety rested on devastating the very people I love. That’s the last thing I want to do.

I finally figured out what my heart truly desires and what my head is screaming for. Unfortunately, not all desires are meant to be fulfilled. Or not yet. I’m just hoping against hope that one day, however twisted is my today, I can still form my own kaleidoscope and create my own fairy tale.

Keep It Simple

I should have seen it coming
Sooner rather than later
Whatever we had isn’t worth saving
Tried to deny that it’s over.

Leaving someone you love
Is enough to drive you crazy
Even time cannot erase
The pain, the hurt, the agony.

Though I know I’ll crush and crumble
And my world will surely cave in
I have to keep it simple
Goodbye is the kindest thing.

Kaleidoscope

Soft breeze ……..
Green grass…….
Fields of flower…….
Laughter…..

Sunrise…sunset

Leaves fall…….
Flowers wither……..
colorless…….
Silence…

Seasons change….
People change….

Strangers turn to friends….
And friends are now at odds…

Vortex…
Oblivion…
Silence…..

If

If you miss me once in a while
Would you stop and smile?

If you dream of me like I dream of you
Would you let me know?

If I promise to be true
Would you lead me back to you?

If I say it’s with you I want to be
Would you hold a place in your heart for me?

If I tell you I love you
Would you say you love me too?

Shot at Destiny

I had an unusual invitation recently… a wedding invitation. Not so much about the wedding but why they are getting married…at age 75? It’s not a renewal of vow; it’s actually their first marriage with each other.

Love story begun back on a remote area where they were neighbors and friends during their younger days. Guy was in love, girl felt the same but neither told anything.

Until one day, girl moved out of town, rather far away, settled there, married after several years and had kids. On the other hand, guy went overseas, married after that then went back to hometown to settle.

Paths crossed again one Christmas, aged 45. After the hi’s and hello’s, equipped with wisdom and maturity, talked about the past, did a little catching up… lo and behold, only to discover, old flame never died.

They parted ways on that same day, rather in despair, since both were not free. Thought that’s the end of it. Only one shot at destiny and they both missed it! If only one was brave enough to tell. But that’s of no use now, it doesn’t matter anymore and it wouldn’t help to live in regrets and the “what if’s”. Life has to move on.

Thirty years later, fate crossed…again. Both widowed, wrinkled face, salt and pepper hair…evidently youth has passed by many years ago but their eyes spoke the same language as loud as half a century ago…love.

They were given another shot at destiny and they took it. Regardless.

Some people laughed about it. Some showed admiration while a few expressed disgust. I was trying to identify a different kind of emotion when I first heard of it. At the back of my mind, I was asking “really?”, a smile on my face but with eyebrows raised.

So, it is possible.

So I’ve heard that love moves in mysterious ways. But I never really comprehended that love can wait that long. I thought that absence makes the heart forget. I thought that there should be something tangible to keep the love alive. I thought that time and distance are enough to kill any emotion residing in our hearts. I thought there are no second chances at destiny, once you missed it, too bad.

I think I was proven wrong.

I think that if something is dormant doesn’t necessarily mean it is dead. I think the heart cannot really forget, it’s a dictate of the mind. But if we leave things as it is, we will be surprised that it just stays there. Life moves on, years passed by and true enough, time nor distance cannot destroy something deep as love.

And lastly. I think, we make our own destiny. We call the shots because we have the choice!

Regardless.

The Long Wait

Faces after faces. The airport is a portal overflowing with all kinds of emotions. Happy reunion...sad departing...exciting new life ahead...confused about tomorrow. Sitting in a corner watching these faces passed me by made me wonder, what emotion am I giving out to these people? If someone is watching me now, what do they see? Will they find out what's deep within?

I flew from the other side of the world to bury a ghost from the past, to reconcile with what seems to be forgotten but surprisingly, I rediscovered myself instead. And like a bird, I had freedom to soar and spread my wings...however temporary.

The last few days amazed me. I laughed as if I've never laughed before...so hard it hurt and it felt good. My spirit was dancing at the sound of the rain in the middle of the forest surrounded by beasts and predators. I felt safe. And most importantly, I had friends who actually listened to what I was saying and not just hearing. I can be as imperfect as I am and they don't care. I laughed at the silliest jokes and cried for the crapiest reasons without thinking of being measured. I felt whole again. I felt alive and not just living. I found myself and actually liked it.

Then it strikes me. I can't lie to rest the phantom that I thought was haunting me. That same ghost is the only one left to remind me of me. Burying the specter is burying me. Denying his existence is forgetting who I am. I can't do that. He's too precious to me now more than ever. I can't afford to lose an endangered friend.

Looking back at the last ten days of my life, I found warmth in an unfamiliar place. From a distance, I liked what I saw. A familiar face has moved on and I'm convinced he's happy. On the other hand, I was able to express...bring out in the open what I desired to say for a very long time. Though a part of me was screaming not to. I need to before I lose the will and the strength to do so....again. Saying I love you is the hardest thing to do, especially if there's nothing beyond that. But I did. And I do. And that's about it.

As the plane pushed back, I know I'm not just leaving the place but the hurts of the past as well. I know I lost the fight but gained a friend. I know that I always have someone watching my back. I know that sometimes, saying nothing is saying everything. I know that whatever happens, regardless of time and distance, some things never change. I don't have to think. I know.

Life Of A Chicken

Most of the time, people were baptized chicken when they were not able to satisfy a dare or was not able to do something due to fear, apprehension or unease. Why chicken?

Crazy as it is, I can’t see the parallelism. When a guy cannot express his love to a girl, chicken! When you keep your thoughts to yourself, chicken! Or if you refuse to eat that red hot chili Indian curry or play with a live cobra, chicken!

This fowl is one of the bravest if not the bravest living thing ever created. Had anyone seen a chicken gather her young chicks, tuck them inside her wings and face the mighty eagle who wanted to devour them for lunch? Had anyone forgotten how many endless days and nights a chicken has to endure sitting on her shelled babies for the love of her young ones? Yes, they tend to run when chased by someone with a knife in their back pocket a.k.a. death. Who wouldn’t?

Sometimes, people shy away from circumstances for different reasons. A guy admiring a girl from a distance might mean self preservation. Maybe, he had been hurt before…so deeply that he can’t risk it again that he was just protecting himself. Maybe, the damsel is already attached to someone else. That's respect. Maybe, the feeling is just superficial that he still needs some time to think if it’s worth plummeting in. Logic.

Being bold and daring has its own time and place. The gush of thoughts and ideas in one’s mind can be an ally or an adversary. Maybe, if that miniscule of thought was brought out, it might open a can of worms and hurt other people’s feelings. Sensitivity. Maybe, if that thought slip your mouth might open Pandora’s box and cause a whole new holocaust. Consideration. Maybe, if that idea was spoken, it might mean losing someone you love. Sacrifice. Or love.

Running away doesn’t necessarily mean cowardice. Turning your back and walking away is not always a gutless feat. Sometimes, it’s for the best interest of everyone and the best option at that stage. Who are we to know what’s going on inside their minds and what they are feeling in their hearts? Who are we to judge these so-called chickens?

If self-preservation and protecting one’s self from certain pain and hurt is a chicken act, if exhibiting respect, sensitivity and consideration is chicken and showing respect and self-sacrifice is chicken, if being a chicken means becoming more human capable of loving than being hypocritical robots in this charlatan world, no second thoughts, I’d rather be a chicken.